2. What am I Doing?

I’m sitting in my rocking chair, holding my 4-week old baby as I gently rock her to sleep. My older daughter is at preschool for the day. This moment right here feels like bliss. It’s peaceful and quiet. But it doesn’t last long, as my mind starts to go into overdrive. 

“It’s been so long since I’ve posted content, I should say something”

“What message from the angels should I share?”

“What’s the next program that I should create?”

Here I was with my perfect beautiful baby in a blissful moment, when my mind came crashing in with its need to control and have a predictable plan. I’ve found that the mind likes to do that, especially in the quiet moments, because that’s when you are most likely to pay attention to it.

I’ve been doing this work for almost seven years. I absolutely love what I do and the freedom I’ve created in my life through my business. So it should be easy for me to just keep showing up in the same way, right? RIGHT?! This is the narrative I was telling myself.

The discernment here though, is between inspired action from passion and excitement versus forcing yourself to try and do something because that’s just the expectation (mainly from your own self).

It’s not easy to take a step back and assess how things are really going when you are telling yourself a story that things should be easy because they always have been, so why would it suddenly be hard now. But that’s exactly what I was doing and judging myself for it.

My ego also took over in another way - comparison. In this day and age, when everything is super accessible online and through social media, it’s quite easy to compare yourself to what other people are doing - even other entrepreneurs in a similar stage of having a newborn baby, and still feel like you are falling short and lacking.

This is exactly how my mind took over. And what I did was react back with my “should”s, trying to figure out a perfect plan and robbing myself of long lasting peace.

I believe we all experience a need to control on some level. We are, after all, human. And our human self needs the perceived comfort and safety from trying to have control of a situation. 

Now the thing is that this was all a slow deterioration from the inside. So on the outer surface, it looked and (for the most part) felt like everything was fine and in control. But on the inside? Looking back now, I would describe it as the many fragments of the inner subconscious world beginning to fall apart. Quiet and subtle, so as to not wreak havoc and completely disrupt everything.

So, for now, I felt pretty content despite having these moments. It wasn’t until a couple months later that a bigger breakdown happened. But for now, these momentary disruptions were dealt with by telling myself that it wasn’t the right timing. 

Which, of course was true, however there’s also the deeper question of - what did the human/ego part of me truly need from my spirit, that it was seeking to control?

Looking back now in hindsight, I can see it as a mix of ancestral healing and being even more intentional about the rebirth that was actually happening for me as a mother and woman. 

I believe that we all go through different initiations throughout our lifetime. And it is during these initiations, where our spirit is being called forward into something greater. I imagine it as though my soul is becoming even more expanded. Like it’s grown. Almost like when filling up a balloon with air, the balloon stretches and becomes even more expanded. Except unlike the balloon, our souls have no limits.

So while the soul is growing in this way, our human experience reflects it back to us through the major life changes, trials and tribulations. It’s no wonder our human self tries to find safety in some shape or form by trying to control whatever it can. Sometimes that looks like applying your “tried and true” way of doing things without ever questioning if that’s still aligned with you. And at other times it looks more like planning and predicting each next step in an effort to control the outcome to be favorable. I was doing a mix of both.

As we go through these moments, the reality is that God is asking us to lean into one clear thing - our faith and trust in the divine. 

What if, instead of trying to control the situation, we completely leaned into the experience (including all the emotions) and asked to be shown what the initiation is supposed to be for us?

What if, instead of trying to do the same as usual, we found the courage to explore a new edge and found that our soul’s true calling was actually found at this edge?

What if, instead of struggling and suffering, there was actually an opportunity for more joy, creativity and empowerment than we’ve ever known before?

These are all things that I started to discover along my journey. But not before the major breakdown, did the big breakthrough happen.

Stay tuned for Chapter 3 - Breakdowns and Breakthroughs

Share your comments and experiences below!